WASHINGTON -- President Obama vetoed a bill that could have made it easier for courts to process foreclosures faster, authorities at the White House said last week.  The bill would have required federal and state courts to recognize documents that were notarized in other states.

Both the House and the Senate passed the bill by voice votes, a procedure reserved for non-controversial bills.  As a result, the House and Senate passed the bill in April and September, respectively.

Lobbyists for Theta Beta Mu (ΘΒΜ)--symbolic for "They Better Move", the name applied to a group of insidious financial industry insiders serving a fraternity of America's five largest banks: Bank of America Corp; JP Morgan Chase & Company; Citigroup; Wells Fargo & Company; and Goldman Sachs Group, Inc.--leveraged their representatives within both chambers to ensure they passed the bill that would clear up the congestion in courts and expedite the foreclosure process.

"I'm not at liberty to disclose exact amounts here, but we backed up the truck and are dumping an egregious amount of cash onto Dodd, Shelby and almost every other Senate banking committee member, save Mike Crapo," stated Kingsly McKnight, Goldman Sachs' top in-house lobbyist, who quietly went on to disclose, "Crapo's preexisting prostate cancer battle represents a conflict of interest with our insurance industry lobby team."

However, amid plummeting approval ratings and growing concern that the bill might have made it more difficult to challenge the quality of foreclosure records at a time when improperly foreclosed homes are increasing, President Obama struck down the bill.  "Out of an abundance of disregard for bipartisanship, President Obama will send this bill back to Congress," White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said.  "He believes Congress' apparent attempt to protect the interests of the international banking system could be better served with more Orwellian legislation."

After the announcement, CNN polls show even U.S. residents oppose the President's veto. "I wanna' keep my home," said Dora Rae Mi, a migrant farmer and illegal alien residing in [I swear I'm not making this up] Looneyville, WV. "I work on medical marijuana farm, so court can not hear legalization case. If US no legalize marijuana, I get screwed and lose house!"

Nevertheless, U.S. banks are under pressure to halt foreclosures due to widespread allegations that loan servicers failed to verify legal documents that could result in hundreds of thousands of cases.  Rep. Robert Aderholt (R-Ala), who sponsored the bill in the House, immediately shot back at the veto stating that they "hit the nail on the head directly" with this bill and concluded, "We're tired and just want to go home".  As if to underscore his point, "Lenders took over 102,134 properties last month," RealtyTrac Inc. wrote in a report today. "This is a new record in a new age of records!"

President Obama's veto heaped hot coals of controversy into the already debatable debates raging ahead of the November 2, 2010 General Election.  Speaking to reporters today in the Rose Garden, Mr. Obama said, "I implore all incumbents and opponents vying to represent the great people of the United States of America to actually grow a pair and really put 'resent' back into the word 'representative'.  If you screw up the lucrative rewards of politics by preventing the wholesale hijacking of the global economy by our largest sponsors, you can kiss by gorgeous black ass!"

CHICAGO - A 22-year-old Chicago Cubs fan, livid about the longest championship drought of any professional sports team in North American history, planned to detonate a bomb near Wrigley Field, home of the Major League Baseball Chicago Cubs franchise.  Operating alone, but unknowingly under the watchful eye of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Sami Samir Hassoun strapped an inert bomb disguised as a goat-shaped piñata over the outstretch arms of Harry Caray's monument south of Wrigley field at about 12:10 a.m. on Sunday morning and was arrested immediately.

"He wanted to punish the Cubs by destroying Wrigley Field, while simultaneously striking a sizable blow to the nearby restaurant and bar industry," said Richard Abercrombie, special agent in charge of the FBI's Chicago office.  "It turns out he was 86ed from the Cubby Bear after running amok during the first day of Eid ul-Fitr on September 10, 2010. Allegedly, he was permanently barred after downing patrons' drinks and scarfing lunches right off several tables."

Christy Bonham, Cubby Bear manager on duty the day of Hassoun's crazed food romp, recalls the scene.  "I just finished putting a cash-drop into the safe when I first heard the commotion.  I rushed out front and saw him running around with a soft drink in one hand and a blackened chicken wrap in the other, evading customers and security.  He kept screaming, 'You try fasting 30 days in August!'  Then he stopped, dumped soda over his face and was finally subdued by staff security."  Hassoun was then escorted to the door, banned and promptly deposited onto the sidewalk. "The crazy little bastard was quick," Bonham added.

According to a confidential FBI source, Hassoun--a Lebanese citizen living legally in Chicago with a history of mental illness--also discussed plans involving the Billy Goat Tavern, owned by Sam Sianis.  Sam Sianis is the nephew of Billy Sianis, the man credited with placing the "Curse of the Billy Goat" upon the Cubs after Wrigley Field security personnel prohibited him and his goat Murphy from attending Game 4 of the 1945 World Series between the Detroit Tigers and Chicago Cubs.  As legend records it, Billy Sianis felt Murphy was disrespected and vowed, "Them Cubs, they aren't gonna' win no more." The Cubs have yet to reach another World Series.

Yesterday, wearing blue slip on shoes and an orange prison jumper with a St. Louis Cardinals Suck sign taped on his back, Hassoun appeared before US Magistrate Judge Beatrice Gould where he was not required to submit a plea pending psychiatric review.  However, Federal Public Defender Paul Pulaski elected to read a prepared statement from the Hassoun family on behalf Sami Samir, an apparent attempt to find common ground and appeal to the court's sensibilities:

In 1887, our great, great aunt Jamila fell in love with Chris Rutt, a visiting American journalism professor at Syrian Protestant College [renamed American University of Beirut in 1920].  Her illicit relationship brought much shame upon the family, especially considering the American's passion for what he called flapjacks.  Rutt proved to be an impatient man and ultimately influenced Jamila to abandon Kebbe Zghartweih, her oven-cooked goat and crushed wheat signature dish, to perfect a recipe for ready-mix pancakes.

Regrettably, Jamila left Lebanon and married Rutt in St. Louis, Missouri in 1889.  When she legally changed her name to Jemima Rutt, in an effort accelerate acculturation within her new Judeo-Christian society, Rutt launched Aunt Jemima Manufacturing Company and offered America's first ready-mix pancake batter.

Jamila's freewill to marry a foreigner and forsake our culture, our values, our food and even her Lebanese name, humiliated our family for two generations.  But, the wost of all, her relationship with the American brought untold suffering when she introduced the Hassouns to these most lovable yet insufferable Cubs.

The Curse of the Goat has proved to be a 102-years-to-life sentence.  How much longer are we to endure without a championship?  We have lost all hope in tomorrow, let alone next year, and we don't even have our family's Kebbe Zghartweih recipe to comfort us.  Please understand our despair and exercise leniency for Sami Samir. He's a sick, troubled boy.

After the court hearing, when asked about Hassoun's psychological profile, District Attorney Sean Matthews made the following public statement, "Look, as Chicagoans on the Northside, we empathize with his desire to end his suffering.  We get it.  However, we condemn his intended actions in the strongest possible terms and will seek a life sentence.  I have further no comment."

All requests for additional statements regarding the Billy Goat Tavern plot were declined.  However, the FBI's confidential source confirms that while being apprehended, Hassoun shreaked, "After 102 years, the goat must die!  The goat must die!"